Dear Buffy
by Karen Jephson
Summary: Giles has a secret. Will he ever tell Buffy? b/g


Dear Buffy  
  
If you are reading this, then I hope it means you have either forgiven me for abandoning you, or calmed down enough to want to understand my reasons for leaving more. And if you aren't reading this, then it doesn't really matter. Funny, how I can actually hear Xander's voice as I read those previous lines.  
  
It was the most heart-rending decision I'd ever made, boarding the plane that day. I don't believe you will ever know the pain I felt as I sat there, trying not to cry in front of strangers. Each time I've lost you, I never had a chance to say goodbye. When you ran away, when you, dear God when you died. Forgive the water marks. Even now, writing those words, brings it all back. And this last time,  
  
through my own stubbornness and inability to explain things properly, and your anger, I was once more cheated of a proper farewell. The optimist in me hopes this is because. once again, this is not a final goodbye. That we will see each other once more. That you'll  
  
give me the thrashing I deserve, then tend my cuts and bruises as I stammer my apologies. See? Even foolish old men have their fantasies.  
  
But this wasn't why I started writing this letter. I wanted to tell you more fully why I left. I didn't lie to you when I said I believed it was the only way I could see you learning to trust in yourself again, to be able to take responsibility for your life and Dawn's. But I didn't tell you the complete truth either. There were other, more selfish reasons. I hope you will understand my decision more as you read them. I'm sorry I couldn't tell you personally, but some things shouldn't be verbalised. And in my case, they can't.  
  
Reason number one. Spike. Actually he was two reasons. I could see you turning toward him. And I couldn't bear to see you descend into that darkness. Firstly, because he was Spike. I don't think there was any stronger example of your inability to accept your lot in life. All we knew of him, the things we knew what he had done and was capable of, and yet you still turned to him. Before me. I sometimes wondered what would have happened if I'd been there when they brought you back. Would you have come to me first with the truth? Would it have been my company you sought out, the refuge of my love you looked to for warmth? We'll never know, but I can guess. And I'm skipping ahead of myself here.  
  
As I'd written previously, there were two reasons your turning to Spike helped me decide. Did you really think I could go through that again? Watch you throw yourself at a vampire, one of the enemy? And this one had no soul. I don't think you ever fully understood how much your relationship with Angel tore at me. Not before he lost his soul. You see, I hadn't known then. And when he was Angelus, well perhaps that's when it started. It seemed that even when he was our mortal enemy, he took precedence in your life. You claimed you would be able to kill him, but I think we both knew that even when my life was in danger you couldn't strike the fatal blow. You never would have been able to. And afterward. Seeing the two of you every day. Having to look upon that hated face and pretend that I'd forgiven everything. Witnessing your ultimate betrayal of me. Those nightmares still come to me sometimes, when I'm at my weakest. Surely not even you would have expected me to live through that again.  
  
Reason three. I'm needed over here. I'd realised it when I first returned. I'd assisted in a problem. I'd realised that I could manage without you young ones coming to my rescue or protecting me. I could step out from your shadow in my country of birth. Neither of us had realised that in developing your strengths, I'd become weakened. An old man who could only fight when he was with a group of much younger people. I had no excuses here, and I stood on my own two feet. It felt good.  
  
And now for the hardest bit. Probably the real, and most selfish, reason. I'd actually let it slip during our last discussion, but you were so involved in your anger and pain you didn't notice. I couldn't take it any more. To see you suffer the way you were, to want to reach out and warm you, yet know for all you said otherwise that I wasn't welcome. To be needed only in a convenient way. The way I'd felt you used me for so long. Since your final year of High School. That was when I stopped being part of the gang, and became the 'old guy'. I deserved more. My love for you deserved more.  
  
And now for my guilty secret. I'd put it off for too long. My love for you. It is real, and it is all encompassing. But a father's love for his child? Perhaps at first. But love, like most living things, changes It grows. As did mine. I no longer looked at a child, but a woman, a beautiful, vibrant woman. One who'd overcome more in her short lifetime than most who lived a hundred lifetimes. Who'd become what I'd hoped and more. How could I not have fallen in love with you? Yes that's right. I, Rupert Giles, Watcher, father figure, and foolish middle aged man, fell in love with his slayer. My secret was so great, I knew that eventually it would escape, and I would destroy whatever feelings you had for me. I think some of the others might have guessed. So I ran. I abandoned you to try and keep a vestige of your love and respect, and to try and earn my own self-respect.  
  
I won't post this letter. I shall seal it in my Watcher vault. Quentin doesn't understand why I keep it going now I'm no longer on active service. It's to prevent him from seeing things like this, and to store my most beloved items. Only you and I know the key to open it. And there is only one way that you will obtain that key. So, if you are reading this, that means....  
  
"Ah, there you are Buffy." The smooth, upper class voice cut through her thoughts, bringing her back to the present. She lifted her head, not hiding her tears. "I see you found Rupert's box. Don't know why he kept it here so long, or why he didn't advise us of how to operate it." Quentin Travers was older, a little more stooped, but otherwise hardly changed. And Buffy still didn't trust him. "You found everything in order?"  
  
Buffy nodded. "Yes, exactly as he'd instructed. Everything's been left to Dawn and I. Except for the Magic Box." She smiled at that. A wedding present for Anya and Xander. She thought Giles probably did it to force the couple to finally commit to each other.  
  
"Strange." Quentin shook his head. "Such a profitable business, one of his best investments. I would have thought he'd leave it to you. I'm afraid I never did understand Rupert."  
  
'No you bloody well didn't. You never will.' Buffy kept her features neutral, not allowing the older man to see her anger. "He did no less than I expected."  
  
"Oh well, not to worry. I'm afraid everybody is waiting. Shall we?" He held his arm out to her.  
  
Buffy dropped the letter back in the box before closing the lid. Turning the lock, she removed the key before slipping it on her middle finger. She had two reasons now to wear Giles' signet ring. Picking up the box, she nodded at Quentin. "Let's do it."  
  
They walked toward the door together. "You never saw each other after he left?"  
  
Buffy shook her head. "No. I didn't have the chance to say goodbye until last night when I staked him." 


End file.
